the (un)examined life

nothing is permanent, everything is insubstantial

The cradle rocks above the abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness – Vladimir Nabokov

I have been privileged to be introduced to Irvin and Marilyn Yalom through the sheer brilliance of Piatkus’ elegant design of the book that they wrote together, about two years ago in late 2022. I only exercise my right to judge solely based on appearance (at least i hope so) when it comes to books. As luck would have it, I landed myself with a 200 pages long of wisdom and a beautiful love story which came to be, by deliberating extensively on death, and inevitably, life too. It brings me back to the memory of how my core belief system was cultivated during childhood, shaping my perception of these existential considerations.

Over time, they gradually deviated from a theological course to a spiritual one under the influence of literature and philosophy.

At a tender age of seven, I was taught to believe that death is a destination where everyone will be directed to a place of their own choosing. This choice has to be made when one is still alive. This choice involves embracing a set of beliefs and ensuring that you live by them. This choice is absolute. Making this choice would mean believing that those who did not, will not be safe.

For the longest time, I was taught to believe in the concept of having to make this absolute choice. I was taught to believe that it was the only way to live. Embrace a fixed set of rules, and I shall be safe. I shall earn myself a place in paradise. Little did I know that this choice was not entirely mine in the first place. I wasn’t presented with a list of options; I was obliged to accept this choice as my ancestors have done their progenies a favour by ensuring that all should be born into a life that embrace the absolute choice by default.

The default option came with absolute terms for death. All you need to do is live by the rules, and you’ll be rewarded. There is an obsessive fixation on trivial matters – one’s dietary restrictions, one’s attire, one’s perceived role in society, all of which, if weren’t given so much time and energy, could be redirected to more pressing issues: how we all can make the world a better place through kindness and compassion without any forms of prejudice.

As I grew older and observed injustices especially imbalanced gender experiences within this absolute choice, I began to have questions which the absolute choice do not have answers to. It seemed suspicious to me that one gender is expected to serve while the other has leverage over most aspects of life such as finances, marital status, and the other’s sexual decisions. While it can be seemingly fitting during the primitive age, in hindsight, it can be understood that those standards were derived from natural phenomenon – the female anatomy leaves them vulnerable to the consequence of imposed sexual acts or any type of violence (ironically the partiality towards them further perpetuate heinous acts by the very group of individuals who made those standards). But we have moved on from such a circumstance where we are all free to choose, and of course protect ourselves as well – save for the great nation which is currently regressing to the 18th century “make america great degenerates again”.

It does not stop at one gender’s superiority over the other – in the household, in politics etc – the incredulity of this absolute choice exposes unabashedly its controlling nature through dietary restrictions, daily devotions, expedition to the holy land and most of all, obsessive fixation on trivial matters such as attire. Of course these only apply to women who have to be mindful not to arouse the opposite sex with their sense of fashion and not surprisingly, it has been conveyed that adherence to this should all be done in one’s devotion to the omnipotence. I always wonder if I’m the only one overly tickled by this line of logic.

I was of course, a big believer by indoctrination and influence. Had I not been exposed to literature and philosophy, I would have remained one. What reading taught me was that there were other ways to perceive the world and this in itself, is a great example that one is not confined or compelled to embrace the first option that is presented to them. One should be allowed to question and explore. One ought to have the freedom to deliberate on what death and life mean.

We are born free and we should rightly remain so. We ought to be free to choose in all aspects of our lives. From trivial decisions like what we can eat and how we want to present ourselves to major ones like who we want to be and who we choose to love. What the Yaloms have taught me in their book is that to live a life that is truly meaningful is to be able to bring not just your true self but your highest self forward – this means not having to sweat the small stuff, they consume too much of your energy. You’ll also have to remember that you are free, that life is long until it’s not, and that nothing is permanent. 

Be free to live. Be free to love. Only then, will you feel free to leave when the time comes for you to go.