the (un)examined life

we went out in the sun somewhere in late may where our thoughts were carefree and we would hop on one leg while singing to bob marley’s ‘i shot the sheriff’. our giggles filled the air and it felt like there was only the two of us. i liked the way her hair was always tugged behind her ears when she reads. i would watch her while helping myself to the food we had prepared ourselves. and even though i loved reading as much as she does, we made a pact that only one of us could read at any one time because if we both had our noses buried deep in a novel, we would lose track of time and that would only leave us with lesser time for ‘parallel lines’. it was a game we invented where we crawled towards each other from opposite directions, pretending we were in a war to eradicate the racial apartheid. we would hold our air rifles and make funny noises. and when we were convinced that we were exhausted, we would sit under the shade of our favourite tree which we named ‘sam’ and talked about things. discussed about politicised issues and thought about the next president. she told me i would be the first female to rule a country. i told her for that to happen, i would have to kill marma estella. but then i wasn’t too sure if she was still alive.

when darker shades of blue started to flood the sky, we would lie down on our backs, eagerly waiting for the stars to make their appearances. we would wish so hard that a shooting star might decide to dart by. most of the time our optimism were extinguished and we would make ourselves feel better by making plans. but we were mostly lying because we knew that she was white and i was black. we knew that we had to go on our own separate journeys but we could not bring ourselves to look each other in the eye and confront the truth because we were inseparable. i have learnt every detail about her and they are all at the back of my head; how her left eye would always squint more than her right one when she was avoiding the sun, how she preferred her tea and how affliction was flickering beneath the sparkle of her veneered eyes. it killed me every time i sunk myself into them because all i could do was watch the sparkle die. and i knew that she would notice every slur that i make when i spoke, she could hear the thoughts in my head and she would whisper, ‘i can’t enjoy the stars if you’re going to think so loudly.’ she would dig deep into the pockets of her pants and flick a penny in my direction. it was her way of telling me to spill the whirlwind in my head. my lips would stretch to craft a smile and i knew she was aware even though it was the most subtle expression that my facial muscle could muster to twitch.

i gazed up at the sky and let the cold wind gently slap my cheeks. i shut my eyes, longing for this to be nothing but a pleasant dream. but every time i opened them, i had to feel deception burning through my body. i could feel her presence. but i knew very well it only meant her absence.